


MACUSA Tango

by startabby



Series: The Big Short Stories [3]
Category: Chicago (2002), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 11:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12252996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startabby/pseuds/startabby
Summary: Song-fic, inspired by the Cell Block Tango from the musical Chicago. The idea came from the fact that both canons take place during the same era of American history. Matching the characters’ accounts to the scenes and words from the original Cell Block Tango was a challenging and entertaining endeavor.The Big Short Challenge Prompt: Justice





	MACUSA Tango

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Big Short Challenge on Rough Trade (http://www.roughtrade.org/)'s forum, which called for a 500-1000 word story given a one word prompt.

Witches and Wizards. For your listening pleasure, I give you the Six Merry Escapees of the Woolworth building with their rendition of the MACUSA Tango.

**Pop,**

**Six,**

**Squish,**

**No-maj,**

**Speakeasy,**

**Gellert.**

 

They had it coming, they had it coming, they only had themselves to blame.

If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I bet ya you would have done the same.

 

**Pop.**

You know how people have those thoughts that get you down.

Take Abernathy.

Every time I visit, I read inappropriate thoughts.

Like, _pop:_ _how could the ugly one be related to the beauty_.

Or, _pop: my day would be better if Tina looked more like Queenie_.

So I come in yesterday and there’s Abernathy.

Sitting at his desk as if nothing was wrong.

When what do you think is happening down the hall.

That’s right, my sister is imprisoned with an order of execution in progress.

And all he can think is, _pop: I’ll sure miss Queenie’s visits after this._

So I pulled my wand out of its holster and fired two spells.

Into his head.

I left him stunned and Obliviated.

Claiming the suitcase he held along the way.

 

He had it coming, he had it coming, he only had himself to blame.

 

**Six.**

I met Director Percival Graves in an alley one day.

And he told me he was a Wizard and we uh, hit it off, right away.

We’d meet near my home,

He’d tell me about Magic,

Then he’d heal my hands and ask me about the children around Ma.

He’d tell me that I was special, and that one day I’d help him save the world.

Then I found out, special, my ass,

Turned out I wasn’t even the first person he’d used.

There had been six others before me.

One of those Dark Wizards, you know.

So the next time he came to me,

I went out to meet him as usual.

Only this time I released my fears.

Guess what, I really was special.

You know, some Dark Wizards just can’t handle an Obscurus.

 

He had it coming, he had it coming.

He took a young man in his prime.

And then he used me, and he abused me, it was an attack, but not a crime.

 

**Squish**

So I was standing in my suitcase, caring for my creatures,

When in storms the MACUSA Aurors in a terrible rage.

‘You’ve been breeding Magical Creatures,’

They yelled, and they kept saying,

‘They’re dangerous and must be destroyed,’

Then they were restrained by the Swooping Evils,

Each one secured under multiple bonds.

‘Don’t eat their brains,’ I had to tell my babies before they slurped.

 

If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I bet ya you would have done the same.

 

**No-maj,**

I was just trying to get a loan for my bakery when I got dragged into this whole mess. Strange injuries, magical creatures, monsters, wreaking havoc throughout New York, what a mess. And then I ended up climbing out of a magical suitcase in front of a courtroom of Magical people.

Yeah, but did you do it.

No-maj, here, it was all Newt’s fault.

Wait, why are you pointing your wand at me?

 

**Speakeasy**

My sister Queenie and I have been all each other could depend on since our parents died.

We’ve been inseparable, living together, working together,

Then one day this British Wizard, Newt, came along and everything changed.

Suddenly I was lying,

Chasing creatures through the City,

Breaking MACUSA laws right and left.

Some trick for an Auror, huh.

Then I find myself at the Blind Pig, the old Speakeasy,

Drinking gigglewater and having a few laughs.

Even bargaining with old Gnarlack.

And what do you suppose happens next.

We are betrayed and caught by the Aurors.

I was in such a state of shock that I completely froze up,

Letting them take me off to a cell with no protest.

It was only when they tried to have me executed that I started to fight back.

 

They had it coming, they had it coming, they only had themselves to blame.

I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong.

 

**Gellert**

I liked Gellert Krueger,

He was a real smart fellow, clever with his spells, well spoken, passionate about his beliefs.

But it turned out it was all a lie.

Really he was Gellert Grindelwald, and stole my body, my memories and kept me captive.

He’d go out every night trying to find something.

Along the way, he found: Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary, and Credence.

I guess you could say I broke out because of philosophical differences.

He saw himself as a visionary, and I saw him as a terrorist.

 

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum.

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum.

 

They had it coming, they had it coming, they had it coming all along.

Cause they used us, and they abused us, it was an accident and no true crime. 

 

You think that way one more time.

Squib, my ass.

Secured by Swooping Evil.

I just want to be a baker.

An Auror under an Order of Execution.

Hominem Revelio

 

I bet ya you would have done the same.

 


End file.
